But this person that I want to be is slow growing. I wait for her with a necessary patience that some days looks like one who waits for the harvest in the fall and other days like a child on the morning of Christmas Eve. The conflicting nature of sin and holiness rolls over in my mind as I see who I am and who I want to be standing next to each other in my moments of quiet.
Then the world comes into focus again and I realized I missed something. I missed something. This realization is often followed by a string of criticism and reprimand from myself because I know that now I will only have more studying to do, more socializing to mend, more sleep to lose, and more stress to gain.
The world is broken in many, many ways, but I feel that the brokenness I often forget about is the idea that I must be omnipresent in all areas of my life and that to do anything else is a sign of failure. I see the world passing me by and with every blink of my eyes there is another bar that is expected to be reached by my generation. So I run the race they ask of me and put my head down in order to not be bombarded by all the other things I must become in order to be successful.
“Only A’s will be accepted”, so I study harder.
“See that ‘perfect body’? Get that”, so I run faster.
“Look! A happy man and wife-they have it together”, so I search more.
“People having fun? You are alone”, so I force myself to
smile.
These things scream at me every day and call out my failure
at each misstep. It is in those precious few moments of clarity when there is
only God and I that the shallowness of what I am pursuing is brought into
perspective and I can’t help but feel broken and lost.
How many of you feel the same way? Do you feel the pressure
of the expectations pushing against you grow heavier with each criticism from
work and demand of your family? Do you feel obligated to be this perfect image
of a man or woman who has it all together and can take on the world?
I believe that we best personify perfection and strength
when we are honest about our weakness. When I admit that I am broken and
wasted, a window is opened in which a Mighty God on a brilliant white horse can
swoop in and rescue His crumbling bride. When I rely on Christ for my identity
I can cast aside imperfection, because God tells me I am holy. When I rely on
Christ for my strength I can cast aside weakness, because this strength never
runs out.
I don’t want to view my life in hindsight seeing that I gave
in to the world according to its demands. I don’t want to regret living a
shallow life because I pursued the image of having it together. I want myself and
those around me to know I am weak.
I sin. I fall short. I forget about God. I run the race of
the world.
But I am growing like the harvest: slow and steady, with the
patient hope that I will reap what I sow as I grow closer to God with each
small gain of light.
You see, I have been in darkness. But now dawn is rising. And
with it is the sound of trumpets as the Groom comes for His Bride.
What race will you run? From whom will you be sought after
as a bride? To which garden will you sow?
The choice is yours. Time will keep moving. But the window
will always be unlocked.
God bless your travels.